Asher and Micah's Mom

With three little boys at home, it is too hard for me to maintain four blogs. Currently, I'm trying to use this blog as a space for updates about our family and for pictures, Glory Revealed as the home for my creative writing and ideas, Sara Unveiled for my writing group projects, and Peace In His Eyes for photos.

 

This is simply too much.

 

So, after nearly five years of writing on my Asher's Mom space, I'm going to stop.

 

This website will still exist with links and possibly with photos (we're experimenting with Windows Live Photo Gallery). If you would like to follow along with our family, please visit my Glory Revealed blog on wordpress: http://gloryrevealed.wordpress.com

 

Another quick update. Zephan's doing well at home. We love being together as a family. Christmas was good. We loved having snow for most of the last two weeks.

 

Life is suddenly very, very busy with three little boys!

 

I intend to write and post more pictures soon.

 

There may also be some changes in the format of my blogs coming for the new year...

Great news: Zephan is coming home today!

Unfortunately, I am still writing this blog from Evergreen Hospital!

 

First, the bad news: Zephan was all set to come home on Friday morning when he had an episode of apnea, or forgetting to breathe. Although he recovered on his own, his oxygen saturation levels dropped down to about 40% - the doctors want his sats to be 85-100%. Overall he has done very well with breathing and has not needed extra oxygen for more than three weeks, but yesterday it looked like he was coming down with a cold or possibly a case of RSV.

 

Zephan has not had another episode of apnea since yesterday, but he does have a stuffy nose that makes breast and bottle feeding more difficult. The doctors did a few tests yesterday to see if he was coming down with the flu, RSV or another virus. The quick tests for RSV and the flu came back negative, but they are less accurate than the longer test. We will get the results from that test this afternoon.

 

If Zephan recovers quickly from his cold and it isn't something more, he may still be able to come home early next week. If it is RSV, he may need a little longer in the hospital as this virus can be very serious for preemies. Most likely, he will grow out of his apnea in the next week.

 

And now for the good news: Zephan is now 35 weeks gestational age and he weighs 5 pounds! He is still breastfeeding very well.

 

He is cuddly and sweet. Yesterday I let him take a nap on my chest while I caught up on Private Practice and Gray's Anatomy. Little man snuggled under my chin and put one of his hands up on my face to hold me. When he is awake, he looks around to follow familiar sounds. He seems to enjoy soft music and he recognizes familiar voices. As he's growing, he now fits well into most preemie sized clothes. He's even growing out of some of the smallest ones!

Zephan's doing well without his NG tube. He is breastfeeding 5 or 6 times a day and having fortified breastmilk in a bottle 2-3 times a day. He's now nearly 4 pounds 12 ounces. If he keeps eating and gaining weight for another two or three days, he'll be going home!

 

That's right!! The plan is for Zephan to go home on Thursday or Friday as long as things continue to go well.

 

We're so excited. More and more everytime I hold him, I'm ready to take Zephan home. Ready to begin our lives together as a family. Ready to sleep in my own bed with our sweet baby nearby. Ready for the whole family to cuddle by the fire and the Christmas tree while it snows outside...

We're taking baby steps towards the door.

 

Zephan is continuing to grow. He's now 4 pounds 10 ounces.

 

He is also gaining the strength and energy to breastfeed very well. We're now working on giving him almost every feeding by breast. This afternoon he pulled out his gavage tube and we decided to leave it out to see if he can eat everything he needs on his own. We may go ahead and introduce a bottle. While I am a big fan of breastfeeding, I would rather give him a bottle one or two times a day than make him keep an NG tube. Over the last week, he has been increasing how much he eats by breast by about 30-40 cc a day. Yesterday he had 200 cc out of 320 cc by breast. If he keeps taking in 30-40 cc more each day, he should be eating everything he needs by Thursday or Friday, and maybe going home over the weekend.

 

It's nice to see his little face without his tube, too!

 

We've done several more things to prepare for going home. Today, Zephan had his hearing check. Both of his ears passed. On Tuesday, we will go ahead and do his car seat check. He needs to sit in his carseat for 1 hour and not have any desats. We also need to make sure the carseat fits. Other than that, we're down to a very short list of what needs to happen for him to get home.

 

Please pray for little man to have strength and to keep his oxygen saturation levels up. Okay, time to give him dinner...

 

 

The last few days have been hard. Zephan is doing well. He is making progress every day. It is just not as consistent or as quick as I want it to be.

 

There are a lot of ups and downs. Two steps forward, one step back. One feeding, Zephan will eat 50 or 60 cc. The next feeding, he'll eat just 20. Sometimes he does amazingly well with breathing. Other times, he gets tired and struggles. He's good at breastfeeding now, but he still does not have the energy to do it on his own. He is growing, too. Now he weighs 4 pounds 8 ounces. He is still very little, but now he is a little softer. We cannot push him and we have to patiently follow his cues. I get the idea that mothering this child, especially over the next few months, will require a lot of patience.

 

I'm not exactly discouraged, but I am exhausted.

 

I've spent almost all of the last six weeks at Evergreen Hospital. Unless you work at a hospital or you have had the unique experience of being in or have a loved one in the hospital for a long stay, this is probably hard to imagine.

 

I want to go home. I want Zephan to come home. I want this crazy season to be over. The closer we get to the end, the more anxious everyone is. Asher and Micah tell me often how much they miss me and want me home. They also miss Zephan. I miss Mark and the boys. Mark misses me and Zephan. I really want to go home.

 

I know this hospital too well. I recognize too many faces. I have bought too many lattes at the coffee bar. I know too many nurses and doctors. The cashier in the cafeteria has started to give me the employee discount because he remembers me. I'm that woman who looks tired. That woman who wears sweats and slippers instead of scrubs. That woman who used to be on bed rest. That woman who doesn't look like she just had a baby. Who sometimes doesn't feel like she just had a baby.

 

Were the last 7 months a dream, a nightmare? Am I a ghost walking around the halls of this hospital? Is this all real?

 

And then I look at my son, sleeping peacefully in his bassinet. My son, Zephan. I watch the numbers on the monitor. His heart is beating well. He is breathing quickly right now: maybe he is dreaming. I hear little grunts and snorts. Is he mine? Sometimes in the hospital, it feels like he belongs to the nurses and doctors. I can pretend to be his mommy, but at any moment a nurse will walk in to take him.

 

Little by little, he feels more like he is mine. The nurses let me dress him. Bathe him. Cuddle with him in bed. The doctors listen to me. At first I had to place my trust in them. My son, struggling to live, needed their constant care to survive. Slowly now the doctors are placing their trust in me - in my ability to provide for my son. We all have to place our trust in this little person. Will he breathe? Eat? Will he cling to life?